BeautifulNotHot

Blu is a Mood – Blu Cantrell

The words said to me by #48’s wife via email during a brief exchange a few months ago. Every now and then they haunt me. I wonder if that will be my fate. Had I known, would I have done anything differently? I really don’t know. But I wonder sometimes if I’ll lose him to another chick from his past the same way his wife lost him to me.

I still check his phone. I try to fight the urge so I don’t check it as often, but I still do it. And doing it today pissed me off. Is it my own guilt? A name that his wife brought up is haunting me. Is that my guilt because of my feelings/dealings with myType. I don’t know but I’m hiding behind tequila tonight.

Crybaby - Mariah Carey 

What the hell is wrong with me?! Why did I send myType that damn email? Why did I let myself get upset by his typical unemotional, insensitivity? Did I think he’d changed? I know I didn’t. He didn’t say anything I wouldn’t have expected coming from him. Yet, I found myself emotional then and find myself emotional now.

We had a decent, light conversation going and I mentioned that I may come to Atl in July and will definitely be there in November. He told me his July was pretty full and he is being relocated in September. Why that caught me so off guard I don’t want to admit. I wasn’t prepared to possibly never see him again. See him less and under my own terms, yes. Never again, no. And I told him that. He said that he’d already thought he’d never see m e again when I moved to Houston. I asked him how he felt about that and of course in typical ‘myType’ fashion, he refused to answer. That pissed me off. That reminded me one of the reasons why we are not compatible. That ass will shut down in seconds and just refuse to open up at all. I can’t live like that. But I don’t have to, I’m not with him, so why am I trippin’.

Cause my stupid ass STILL isn’t over him.

Crossed My Mind – Jill Scott

Number 1: I find my co-workers brother who recently got hired on here attractive. There I said it.

Number 2: MyType is back in Atl. How does that affect me since I’m in Houston? You’d think it wouldn’t at all, right? Wrong, I still think about him far too much and often at the wrong times. My PMS includes major hormonal swings and make me have crazy sexual thoughts and inclinations to the point they scare me some months. I find myself thinking about him during sex at those moments. I don’t want to, but I can’thelp it. And I feel so guilty. But even outside of that, he crosses my mid more than I want him to. Perfect example, I got the myspace update earlier this week that he’d updated his profile so I went to look, just because I was killing time. I noticed that his message-thingy said he wasn’t adjusting to life so well. My first instinct was to send him a message and ask him if he needed anything. But I didn’t. I was so proud of myself. But I just emailed him a minute ago, and of course before I realized it, id hit send and sure enough I asked him if there was anything I could do for him. Even as his friend, given our history, I’m wrong. My motivations and intentions aren’t pure and I know this. I so want to be completely over him but I’m not. And I know more and more everyday he’s not right for me, not meant for me, not even good for me. Doesn’t change a thing though. *sigh*

So Lady – Mary J. Blige

I guess its really bad when your man comes to you and asks how much money you need to get some new underwear…lol I’ve been needing to go buy some more but of course it hasn’t been a priority. I almost feel bad, except its just damn funny! LOL

Butterflies – Alicia Keys

So I’m all moved in*biting nails* Yes I won’t even pretend that I’m not a little scared and freaked out. We live together for real now. The ‘officialness’ of it is frightening. I guess that means the commitment itself is frightening. But I haven’t ever successfully been committed someone, which is a large part of the problem. I’ve only been in two committed relationships in my life. My boyfriend from high school, which was a more on than off relationship; however, towards the end when things started going downhill, I didn’t wait til it was over to get involved with other people. My marriage was my only other commitment and as long as we were together the relationship as a whole was jacked up. He was doing all kinds of things, so when I’d had enough and decided I wanted revenge, and then when I decided I was checking out I did what I wanted with who I wanted. So I have a 0-2 commitment record. And #48 knows all of this.

But if I don’t try then I lose out on the best thing in the world for me. There’s nothing and no one better for me in this world. He is everything I wanted and more than I knew I needed. He is my unconditional lover. And I’ll try, and try, and try some more to with just him. I can. I know I can.

I’m out of town for work this week and I’m beyond ready to get back to my family. I’m so blessed that #48’s sister was able to come stay with at my house to take my son to school in the mornings. #48 leaves far before the crack of dawn so picking him up in the afternoon is no problem, but the mornings had me terrified. I thought I’d just get a nanny to come stay at the house, but that’s a resource not as easy to find in Houston as it was in Atlanta. So like I said, I’m blessed

I called home yesterday to talk to my baby boy and he sounded good, said he had a great day all day and made his mama happy. I called home today and again he sounded super happy. I was shocked because normally he sounds miserable when I travel for work. When I used to have to leave for a week at a time he hated it and would complain about home much he missed me the entire time I was gone. This time, it’s like I’m not even gone. And the reason is so clear to me. He’s got his “almost like my dad” this time. Yes that’s what he calls him, when he isn’t actually trying out the actual title Dad. He throws it in every now and then like he’s waiting to see what one of us is going to say. But we both agreed the very first time he said it that we weren’t even going to address it until after we get married. We want my son to be comfortable and get to that place on his own, without a bit of pressure. He sees who is there every day in that ‘Dad role’. My kid’s sharp. And he’s happy. *sigh* Happy.

We’re less than two weeks away from the official move. We’re still splitting our time between the two houses right now and I will be the happiest woman ever once that is done. It’s extremely draining. His house won’t be as ready as we’d initially wanted it to be, but we’ve both realized that we’d set our sights quite high and have since come down to the real world. The house looks like a construction zone right now, but in a minute it’s going to be m y construction zone and I love it…lol

He text me a few weeks ago and said he intends to put my name on the deed. Totally freaked me out. I do not want him to do that unless he’s 100% certain that’s what he wants to do. I have this terrifying fear of him having any remote notion that I am with him for what he has or can do for me. Yes I’m hyper-sensitive about it. He politely told me to quit trippin’ and that was the end of that…lol

I’ll admit that a part of me is still not comfortable with moving in without us being engaged. I tried to convince myself that it’s not a big deal; I know full well what his intentions are towards me. But nonetheless I still have some reservation. And again it’s me being hyper-sensitive about having had things go wrong before. I know that the order of which things happen doesn’t always dictate how it ends but I’m a little paranoid. It’s like getting married and having more kids. All things we want to do, but I’m very insistent that I want to do them in order: marriage then kids. But I know I’d be a fool to not move in just because. SO I’m moving. And of course he and I have talked about it. He has plan. That what he keeps telling me and the little pieces I know about what he wants to do are enough to have put me at ease at least for a little while.

My site has been down and I’ve been so damn busy I haven’t had time to even work with support to get it back up.  But it’s up now and I’m not going anywhere.  I’m busy as hell still: organizing our move, we’re living in between both houses right now, preparing to be out of town for work for four days next week, work in general, and still being mom and girlfriend.  A sista is tired!  But blessed.

LOL I haven’t been tagged in forever. This was cute and fun.

What is your name? T*****

A four letter word: Tasty

A vehicle: Toyota

A city: Trenton

A boy’s name: Thomas

A girl’s name: Tonya

An alcoholic drink: Tequila (shots, margaritas, sunrise, I do it all!)

An occupation: Trainer

Something you wear: Thongs (woohoo!)

A celebrity: Tweet (man I miss her music…Come Back Tweet!)

A food: Taquitos (especially breakfast ones…mmmmmm!)

Something found in a bathroom: Toothbrush

Reason for being late: TRAFFIC!

Something you shout: Take me!

An animal: Tiger

A body part: Tongue

A word to describe yourself: Tempting

I’ve been watching HGTV for the past week. Looking at decorations and color schemes and window treatments and refinishing fire places. I don’t watch HGTV. I have no interest in home repairs. Or at least I didn’t before I started calling (or trying to call) #48’s house home.

You would think he bought this house and was waiting for me to come decorate it. We’ve be living in between my house and his house for the past month, trying to get used to being here and get it ready for us to move into at the end of May. We’ve been talking about and looking at color swatches for the past few weeks and finally he put his foot down and made me start making some final decisions yesterday. The first color went up this morning in out bedroom and I love it. It’s a sage color and it looks so good on the walls, and its going to look even better once the bedroom set we’re getting arrives. I’m sitting her in my office at his house now as I write and this room is up next to be painted. I told him I’d paint it myself if he taped it off. Now I’ve been blogging for three years now and if anyone has been paying any attention to my personality, I think ya’ll know I am NOT the painting type at all. I have no desire to paint whatsoever. But after watching all his hard work in our soon to be bedroom this morning, I feel like I have to do my part and paint a little too. I’m not painting any big rooms though, shoot! Our living room is HUGE with really high ceilings and just looking at it is intimidating. But I have the colors for most of the rooms pretty much in my mind. I just have to choose the paint when the time comes. The only room I’m not making the decisions on is his daughter’s room. I want her to tell us what kind of colors and/or decorations she would like and then we’ll get her room done.

Who’s life is this that I’m living? HGTV? Decorating houses? Shopping for patio furniture? It’s all so unlike me. But I’m enjoying the hell out of all of it. Talk about not knowing what God has in store for you. My goodness!