BeautifulNotHot

About to Hate Me – Kelis

I like how you seem to think that I will overlook things that don’t change if enough time goes by. Did you think that I would keep addressing the issue repeatedly? I asked who you she was and I took your explanation at face value initially. I even disregarded the mention of her when I heard her name out of your wife’s name. It was you who said her intentions towards you were out of line and that you had no need to remain in contact with her. It was you who said you would cease communication. I addressed my concern last month when I saw that she’d text you last month and you claimed at that time to not know why she was texting you, why she wouldn’t stop. It was you who said that you would change your number to resolve the issue. I said then I didn’t see why all of that was necessary, why you couldn’t simply explain to her that you no longer desired to communicate with her. But I knew then that the problem was not just her. You weren’t conveying that to her. Either on accident as not to hurt her feelings, or intentionally because you were going to remain in contact with her. I see that the latter was the case because once again I find that you two are still in communication.

Now here’s my issue and really it’s pretty simple. Number one: YOU said that her intentions towards you are out of line. That alone should give you reason to not keep in contact with her. You have no ties, she’s ‘just a friend’, and you have woman. That should be enough. Number two: she was an issue in your marriage, which tells me that there’s something not quite right in the air.

So with those things spelled out, I see where your priorities are. With yourself. You can feed me that link about “what you do should take precedence over what you don’t do”. Go right ahead. I’ll take that because you give me everything I need and what I didn’t know I needed. You know me better than I know myself and you take care of my physical, emotional, and material needs. So with all of that, my love, with you I will remain. But everything I have just outlined will also explain my future actions as well.

That’s all I have to say.

Sleepin’ In My Bed – Dru Hill

No stupid is about to become a demonstration. #48 is about to get a demonstration of my statement that I’m not leaving, but if you fuck up I will make your life a living hell.

Once again I find that he and this chick are still in communication. He hasn’t changed his number as he swore he wanted to do when she supposedly started texting him back a few weeks ago. I didn’t expect that he would nor did I see why he should. I can’t see why he can’t get her to stop on her own. Which tells me he’s not trying. And seeing more back and forth communication today clearly tells me that it’s been going on for a lil bit.

Cool. No problem. I’m not trippin’. I have a trip to Atl next weekend. I may be a little out of pocket while I’m gone. That way he can do him while he’s here and I can do me while I’m there. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that I have plans to hook up with myType while I’m in town. Now you can take the term ‘hook up’ however you choose. Just know that I’m fully prepared to deal with the consequences of whatever I do while I’m in Atl. Gonna have to show #48 who’s the top bitch.

He wants to keep his lil friend, he’s more than welcome to. Don’t think I won’t keep mine. All’s fair in love and war, baby!

“I’m just trying to enjoy the non sex that we’re having” – Chris Rock in I Think I Love My Wife

No not him, me; I can’t get it up. I haven’t had a sexually desirous thought or feeling in months now. Initially it was just a problem 2 weeks out of the month. Because the week before my cycle I’d be a raging hormonal rabbit, and then I don’t have a ‘real’ cycle so I was still scratching that itch those few days too. But over the past two months, even that’s gone away. We’re still having sex, just not as much as before. I’m tired, we don’t have sex; he’s tired, we don’t have sex. So that works out well but I know the man wants it, we used to do it like 5 times a week. So I still give it to him as often as I can bring myself to. And when we do, I enjoy it. A Lot. It’s still good, I just don’t have that sexual craving for it like before.

I talked to my girl about it because she went through a similar issue not long ago and she summed it up for me quite easily. Stress. Which makes perfect sense because my new job has had me ULTRA stressed. Plus the fact that all this really started back when I found out about the divorce, so the combination of all that equals zero sex drive.

The prescription for the solution: HotPlants for Her for increasing sexual libido and St Johns Wart to help decrease stress. My girl said that it took a few weeks before she really started seeing results. I noticed a difference after about 5 days. That Saturday morning, he kissed me on my neck and for the first time in months and made me feel hot; it actually surprised me, so I kept walking up to him asking him to do it again. He didn’t figure out til the next morning why I was doing that…lol That night we had some great sex that I actually wanted. Sunday morning I woke up ready to go again. And we did. Three times! So I have to say it is working and hopefully I’ll be myself again soon. I’ve realized there’s a difference between knowing you have good sex or desiring and feeling the great sex.

Goodbye - Tevin Campbell 

I saw this guy in the post office the other day who reminded me of DL.  I wonder how he is doing.  I won’t reach out to him, but I wonder.  I believe out season ended when I moved here.  Some irreparable damage was done on both sides and the nature of our friendship simply has fizzed out.  Still I hope he’s well.

International Player’s Anthem - UGK/Outkast 

…my level of stupidity is in question; let me quantify how stupid I really am. 

I’m not over myType which is absolutely INSANE.  The man makes it opaquely clear that he doesn’t want to be with me before he leaves.  Then he cuts off conversation with me for months while he’s gone.  i develop a level of respect for his cutting me off, although his method left a gaping wound in my heart. And in the year and some change that he’s been away, I completely realize, comprehend, and process all of the reasons I KNOW he’s not good for me. 

Despite all of this, I’m not over the man.  Not only am I not over the man, but I’ve decided that the reason that I’m not because there was no true closure for me.  The relationship was abruptly halted in my eyes, not ended.  So I need to ‘officially’ end it, and I’m going to. 

I’m going to Atl in a few weeks for a variety of personal reasons and while I’m there I am going to have dinner with him.  I expect that we’ll laugh, talk, have a good time catching up because I honestly harbor no bad feelings against him.  us ending was a good thing.  The person I was with him was not who I am.  Even still today, i become jealous, possessive, and insecure over the sight of him with another woman.  Beyond the light chit chat, I hope to address my unresolved feeling with him and gain some closure. 

Yes, this is a bad idea.  There’s my acknowledgement of that for my own future reference. 

I never thought there was a such things as being too tired to have sex. Don’t laugh; I’m serious! I’ve never been the type that couldn’t stay away to do it, or even have the energy to do it. Now tired and miserable the morning after, I get; but not too tired to get it done. But I have been in th e past few weeks since I’ve taken this new position. More work, more responsibilities, not enough pay. Same thing, different day. Only this new position is what has me up writing this post at 1:15 AM. Stressed, overwhelmed, and frustrated. Wide away, and not because I got some great lovin’. I should at least be reaping the benefits of being up and not sleeping but basking in the afterglow of great sex. But no, I passed out as soon as I hit the pillow at about 9:30 and here I am 4 hours later up. This blows!

Blu is a Mood – Blu Cantrell

The words said to me by #48’s wife via email during a brief exchange a few months ago. Every now and then they haunt me. I wonder if that will be my fate. Had I known, would I have done anything differently? I really don’t know. But I wonder sometimes if I’ll lose him to another chick from his past the same way his wife lost him to me.

I still check his phone. I try to fight the urge so I don’t check it as often, but I still do it. And doing it today pissed me off. Is it my own guilt? A name that his wife brought up is haunting me. Is that my guilt because of my feelings/dealings with myType. I don’t know but I’m hiding behind tequila tonight.

Crybaby - Mariah Carey 

What the hell is wrong with me?! Why did I send myType that damn email? Why did I let myself get upset by his typical unemotional, insensitivity? Did I think he’d changed? I know I didn’t. He didn’t say anything I wouldn’t have expected coming from him. Yet, I found myself emotional then and find myself emotional now.

We had a decent, light conversation going and I mentioned that I may come to Atl in July and will definitely be there in November. He told me his July was pretty full and he is being relocated in September. Why that caught me so off guard I don’t want to admit. I wasn’t prepared to possibly never see him again. See him less and under my own terms, yes. Never again, no. And I told him that. He said that he’d already thought he’d never see m e again when I moved to Houston. I asked him how he felt about that and of course in typical ‘myType’ fashion, he refused to answer. That pissed me off. That reminded me one of the reasons why we are not compatible. That ass will shut down in seconds and just refuse to open up at all. I can’t live like that. But I don’t have to, I’m not with him, so why am I trippin’.

Cause my stupid ass STILL isn’t over him.

Crossed My Mind – Jill Scott

Number 1: I find my co-workers brother who recently got hired on here attractive. There I said it.

Number 2: MyType is back in Atl. How does that affect me since I’m in Houston? You’d think it wouldn’t at all, right? Wrong, I still think about him far too much and often at the wrong times. My PMS includes major hormonal swings and make me have crazy sexual thoughts and inclinations to the point they scare me some months. I find myself thinking about him during sex at those moments. I don’t want to, but I can’thelp it. And I feel so guilty. But even outside of that, he crosses my mid more than I want him to. Perfect example, I got the myspace update earlier this week that he’d updated his profile so I went to look, just because I was killing time. I noticed that his message-thingy said he wasn’t adjusting to life so well. My first instinct was to send him a message and ask him if he needed anything. But I didn’t. I was so proud of myself. But I just emailed him a minute ago, and of course before I realized it, id hit send and sure enough I asked him if there was anything I could do for him. Even as his friend, given our history, I’m wrong. My motivations and intentions aren’t pure and I know this. I so want to be completely over him but I’m not. And I know more and more everyday he’s not right for me, not meant for me, not even good for me. Doesn’t change a thing though. *sigh*

So Lady – Mary J. Blige

I guess its really bad when your man comes to you and asks how much money you need to get some new underwear…lol I’ve been needing to go buy some more but of course it hasn’t been a priority. I almost feel bad, except its just damn funny! LOL